Monday, August 25, 2008
It is written ...
... in my most recent copy of Bay Weekly (I bet you were thinking "in the clouds" or something like that, due to my photo selection - I took it myself), some of the craziest horoscopes I've ever read. They were so out there, that I had to share. To start, here's mine:
Taurus (April 20-May 20): After studying your astrological omens, I closed my eyes and asked the spirits for a psychic vision that would symbolize your imminent future. The scenario that came up was a pair of toddlers dressed in fine purple satin garments and wearing golden hats. They looked like a prince and a princess and were wandering around inside a ritual circle about 10 yards in diameter, drawn with white chalk in a green meadow. Vases of cut flowers and statues of gods and goddesses ringed the circle. So what does this vision mean?
I was about ready to ask the same question. Huh?
Maybe this: Two magnificent possibilities have recently been born or will soon be born. You should cast a protective spell around them, letting them amble and dally within a proscribed area as their magic ripens.
I wonder what they could be. Any ideas?
Then, I cracked up laughing after reading my husband's sign:
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Some spas are now offering their clients "butt facials." The cost for smoothing and toning your skin in the lower realms can range up to $800 per session. At that steep price, I can't in good conscience mandate the procedure for you. But the astrological omens are favorable for you to take special care of the things at the bottom (ha, ha ... I get it) of your life, even if they are metaphorical in nature. So please brainstorm about how you could upgrade your ballast, strengthen your foundation and give your center of gravity a boost.
After reading that one aloud to my hubby, I couldn't stop snickering. My laughed turned into one of those silent ones, where you can barely breathe (tell me you know what I'm talking about). Tears rolled down my cheeks, and he began to worry.
"I'm okay," I finally was able to get out. "Want a butt facial?," and I was back to cracking up again.
I know; it's not that funny. I guess you had to be there. I need more sleep :-)
Anyway, lastly I'll share Jacob's horoscope, which actually related to his biggest obstacle at the moment (no, not the bouncing course from Bayfest, but something very similar). Here it goes:
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Michelangelo never finished two-thirds of the sculptures he started. Basketball mega-star Michael Jordan failed on 26 different occasions when he was given the ball to try the game-winning shot as time ran out. Of Bob Dylan's 57 albums, maybe only 15 of them are masterpieces. I bring this to your attention Sagittarius, in the hope that they will give you some perspective on the down times in your own track record.
You see, Jacob has been frustrated about trying to get across the monkey bars at school. He falls before he makes it to the other side. Rob Brezsny (the guy who writes these things) might be on to something. And so he continues:
More importantly, I want to let you know that in coming weeks you should have access to the kind of energy that Michelangelo, Jordan and Dylan had when they were creating their legends.
I hope this means Jacob will conquer the monkey bars soon. What do you think?
If you've managed to make it to the end of this post, you deserve a treat. Check out my latest idea on We Like It Raw. Thanks Dhru :-)